I'm still going to be basking in the moment. It's not impossible no, but the probabilities are always so slim.
[Lena knows the difference.
She knows the difference between Sonny locking his door and Sonny trying to leave it open, both literally and figuratively. She is aware of the fact it takes effort and she both appreciates and is grateful to him for it. They all have those moments where it's difficult.
But so much has happened, with all of them but between Lena and Sonny especially, that they aren't really going to let distance create itself at a time like this one.
It'd be the worst thing any of them could do, and she has no intention of shutting anyone out, either.]
No, we live in the opposite of an ideal world. But... I think I like it better. Whenever I think of ideal I think of that black and white movie where everyone's eerily happy and it's all 1950s Stepford Wives and everything is always fine.
Technicolor clusterfucked worlds are better, in the end.
[She would not deprive any of them of that.
There's a lot to fear in a city and a world like this one, but there's also so much that's wonderful. Even the Rift itself can throw out something completely amazing and to miss out on something like that because you wanted to keep yourself and others safe...
Well, it's not really living.
And she does know that, too.]
I know. I'd say we're fatalists since we usually do jump to the worst conclusion, but it's hardly fatalism when it turns out that the worst conclusion is often the right one.
But... no. This is very much the opposite.
[And it's because they had that conversation so long ago, almost a year ago really, when she still thought she'd have such little time, that she would want him to be the first to know, at least with her being the one to say it.
Usually, Lena would've built the suspense to end it with something extremely silly and casual, like having eaten the last slice of Lou's key lime pie.
This is not one of those times.
There is happiness and nerves, the good kind, but there is also a quiet and calm nature to it. Both because the decision has never made more sense to her and because of everything that happened tonight.]
We hadn't really wanted to say anything until the smoke clears and things settle down again, but I'd been wanting to tell you.
It's not going to happen for a while, but it is going to happen.
[The smile brightens and deepens all at once and she goes where he tugs, sliding her arms around his middle and hugging him back tightly.
She laughs a little, dazed and tearful and nods against him, tightening her hug briefly.]
Thank you. It really means a lot to me.
[There are other things she has to say, and she will want him to be the one walking her down the aisle, but those things can wait, they don't have to be spoken of in a night like this one.
Not after what he lost and what it cost him.
But it's her way of saying she has something she is looking forward to, something she will want to live to see through, and she will be extra careful, and she wants him being extra careful, too.
Since she can't imagine him not being there.
Lena smiles into his shoulder and takes a deep breath, thinking back to that very same cost. The guilt and the terribleness of it that will never fully leave her whenever she thinks back to it.
What it took and what it also cost, but despite all of that, she can't regret it, either.
Not when it led her here.
It was a terrible, terrible cost and that's exactly why Lena will make sure it never goes to waste.
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I'm still going to be basking in the moment. It's not impossible no, but the probabilities are always so slim.
[Lena knows the difference.
She knows the difference between Sonny locking his door and Sonny trying to leave it open, both literally and figuratively. She is aware of the fact it takes effort and she both appreciates and is grateful to him for it. They all have those moments where it's difficult.
But so much has happened, with all of them but between Lena and Sonny especially, that they aren't really going to let distance create itself at a time like this one.
It'd be the worst thing any of them could do, and she has no intention of shutting anyone out, either.]
No, we live in the opposite of an ideal world. But... I think I like it better. Whenever I think of ideal I think of that black and white movie where everyone's eerily happy and it's all 1950s Stepford Wives and everything is always fine.
Technicolor clusterfucked worlds are better, in the end.
[She would not deprive any of them of that.
There's a lot to fear in a city and a world like this one, but there's also so much that's wonderful. Even the Rift itself can throw out something completely amazing and to miss out on something like that because you wanted to keep yourself and others safe...
Well, it's not really living.
And she does know that, too.]
I know. I'd say we're fatalists since we usually do jump to the worst conclusion, but it's hardly fatalism when it turns out that the worst conclusion is often the right one.
But... no. This is very much the opposite.
[And it's because they had that conversation so long ago, almost a year ago really, when she still thought she'd have such little time, that she would want him to be the first to know, at least with her being the one to say it.
Usually, Lena would've built the suspense to end it with something extremely silly and casual, like having eaten the last slice of Lou's key lime pie.
This is not one of those times.
There is happiness and nerves, the good kind, but there is also a quiet and calm nature to it. Both because the decision has never made more sense to her and because of everything that happened tonight.]
We hadn't really wanted to say anything until the smoke clears and things settle down again, but I'd been wanting to tell you.
It's not going to happen for a while, but it is going to happen.
[The smile brightens and deepens all at once and she goes where he tugs, sliding her arms around his middle and hugging him back tightly.
She laughs a little, dazed and tearful and nods against him, tightening her hug briefly.]
Thank you. It really means a lot to me.
[There are other things she has to say, and she will want him to be the one walking her down the aisle, but those things can wait, they don't have to be spoken of in a night like this one.
Not after what he lost and what it cost him.
But it's her way of saying she has something she is looking forward to, something she will want to live to see through, and she will be extra careful, and she wants him being extra careful, too.
Since she can't imagine him not being there.
Lena smiles into his shoulder and takes a deep breath, thinking back to that very same cost. The guilt and the terribleness of it that will never fully leave her whenever she thinks back to it.
What it took and what it also cost, but despite all of that, she can't regret it, either.
Not when it led her here.
It was a terrible, terrible cost and that's exactly why Lena will make sure it never goes to waste.
Not even for one moment.]